Too Many Tears
by Shiga
Summary: Kyo was forced to marry Kagura under Akito's orders. The pain is so much for Tohru sometimes it eats away inside. A continueing song fic using the song "The Day You Went Away" by M2M(first chapter)and "Breathing." by Yellowcard(second)
1. Default Chapter

**To Many Tears**

Tohru woke up in a cold sweat. She had nearly screamed out loud from the dream she had just had. It had started so peacefully then ended with the thing that she had been trying to forget for a good year now. This wasn't the first time this had happened to her and it wouldn't be the last. At least once a week she was plagued with these memories that haunted her in her sleep. And all because of the one Sohma who controlled them all.

"Akito." Like venom, his name spilled from her lips. She had to swallow the bile that threatened to rise in her throat. She was still in the Sohma residence but with one member absent. Sure, Akito hadn't ordered her memories erased, but this was much worse. It was as if he fed off of her mental pain. He inflicted emotional pain to everyone in the Sohma's family and it made her sick. At one point she had respected him, but now she knew what he truly was. A monster.

Tohru forced herself to shake any thoughts of him from her head. Instead she focused on the earlier part of her dream. The part that could make her smile even in the pit of despair she now resided in. The part where her and Kyo were still together.

Well I wonder could it be  
When I was dreaming 'bout you baby  
You were dreaming of me

A Happy faces. Gentle laughter. A warm embrace. Those were what her dream has begun with. She had actually been smiling in her dream, something she hadn't done in months, perhaps even the full year since he had left. She couldn't summon up enough strength to smile, not when she was hurting so bad. So every night she just settled for her dreams. Dreams of a time when she was happy, and they were together. They held her so she wouldn't go insane from heartache.

Did he think of her anymore? Did he ever close his eyes and see her face? She doubted it. He had to have forgotten her. It had been to long. He didn't seem like one to harbor on old feelings, he would have moved on.

But still in the back of her mind she prayed that he thought of her. Dreamed of her. Longed to see her again, even just for a moment.

Call me crazy, call me blind  
To still be suffering is stupid after all of this time

Had she finally gone crazy? Perhaps. Would she ever recover? She doubted it. She doubted she would ever be the same again. She had changed for the worse, and the old Tohru was dead.

Tohru wandered to her calendar and crossed off the previous day since she had forgot to the night before. It was still dark out, only about three in the morning, but she couldn't sleep even if she wanted to.

It was almost a year today. Only a week until the actual anniversary of his departure. No. Anniversary wasn't the right word to use. Tohru racked her brain for an appropriate one, but nothing came to mind. She dropped the pen she used back on her dresser and let out a sigh.

Her friends had told her to cheer up. She still had her whole life ahead of her. She was only twenty after all. But she just couldn't do it. She had always thought that even twenty was too young to know what love was, but now she wasn't so sure. If it hadn't been love would she be hurting so bad?

Did I lose my love to someone better  
And does she love you like I do  
I do, you know I really really do

She still remembered Kyo's explanation on that horrible day. The explanation that had made her stomach churn, nearly causing her to lose all sanity.

_'Akito instructed me to marry Kagura. I have no choice in the matter. He says…I will be happy.'_

Tohru chocked back a sob. She had liked Kagura but she didn't want to give Kyo to her. The strong-headed Boar of the zodiac had loved Kyo far longer then she, but still. Selfish? Absolutely. However, Tohru didn't care how selfish she had sounded when she had begged him not to go.

Kagura's love for him wasn't as pure at Tohru's was. Kagura was violent and everyone knew it. How many times had she nearly killed Kyo in the name of 'love' as she called it? How many times had she destroyed Shigure's house, to his utter discontent? No way could Kagura care about Kyo as much as she did. She would have gone to ends of the earth for him, could Kagura say the same and really mean it?

Well hey  
So much I need to say  
Been lonely since the day  
The day you went away

Tohru found herself at her window. The light breeze caught her hair and whipped it around. Usually she would have laughed at the feeling, but not tonight. The wind had no solace at the moment. Once upon a time it would have made her fears and sadness deplete, today it brought back more memories of better times.

Yuki had to hold her back after the first month of Kyo's departure. She had vowed to go see him, go tell him everything. Yuki warned her that if she did Akito would grow angry and order her memories suppressed. Perhaps it would have been less painful that way. Yuki had locked the doors and sat with her in her room until she calmed down, which was hours later.

Everyday was like torture. Even Shigure's antics had no effect on her. Kisa often would visit her but Tohru lacked her usual flare. All the Sohma's she had befriended tried to comfort her. From Momiji to even the sarcastic Hiro. Nothing. No matter how much company she received, Tohru still felt lonely, and empty inside.

So sad but true  
For me there's only you  
Been lonely since the day  
The day you went away

Yuki loved her and she knew it. Still she couldn't bring herself to be with him. At one point in her life she had liked him too but now she couldn't pursue him. He had tried countless times to bring her back to her regular self. Taken her on dates, surprised her with various things he had in his garden. Still she brushed him off.

Kyo was the only one for her. He had the power to make her smile, to make her feel protected. If she ever dated again she would feel like she was cheating on him. He was married, but it didn't matter. She was still his and she would be until the end.

Her eyes stung and the tears began to fall. She knew they would come; they always did with the night. Always followed the memories. Always accompanied the loneliness in her heart. The void that would never be filled. The wind tried to dry them but more and more came. Tohru didn't even bother wiping them away, they would only return.

I remember date and time  
September twenty second  
Sunday twenty five after nine

She was pathetic. At least she thought she was. She could remember absolutely everything about the day he left! She hadn't even written it down. The day on her calendar from last year had been scratched at, basically torn.

She loathed September. It used to be one of the months she loved. Usually great weather. Now it was her enemy. It was the evil month that ruined her life.

Tohru ran back to her calendar and ripped it down. She glared at the picture for September. A couple holding hands, swinging on a set of swings. It mocked her. Showed her what she would never have. The picture brought back more painful memories and she looked away from it.

That horrible day began to play in her head and more tears spilled.

In the doorway with your case  
No longer shouting at each other  
There were tears on our faces

Though it was a year ago she remembered it like it was yesterday. The reoccurring nightmares made sure of that. They haunted her, and mocked her in ways she could never escape from.

It had been a week after he told her of Akito's wishes. Kyo was such a rouge, never listened to anyone but he had to this time. Akito was too powerful to be ignored. After all it was him who blinded Hatori and him who caused Kisa to stop speaking. 

Kyo was scared to disobey so he did as he was instructed. Tohru had begged him not to go. Thrown herself at his feet and cried. Kyo usually was tough but the tears glistened his eyes as well.

'_I love you Tohru-san. Never forget it. This is not my choice. If I had a choice it would be you. It's always been you.'_

Those words surrounded her now in her dark room. Strangled the life out of her. They were meant to comfort her to a certain degree, instead they tore at her.

_'If you love me like you say, you wouldn't be doing this.'_

Tohru knew that it was a lie but she had said it anyway. A desperate attempt to get him to stay. Kyo had shaken his head and ran his hands through his orange hair.

_'Akito says that…he says he'll kill you if I don't!' _

With those last uttered words he had run from the house. Tohru had tried to chase him but his feline instincts made him far faster then she could ever be.

And we were letting go of something special  
Something we'll never have again  
I know, I guess I really really know

Before he had torn from her sight forever he had uttered four words that had kept Tohru from fully dieing inside. Four words that had cradled her in the sleepless nights.

_'I won't love again' _

It was a promise, a promise that kept her going. But what good is his love if she couldn't even see him? He was married, gone. He had done it to save her life but she would have much preferred death.

"Loving again isn't an option. Never will be." Tohru sighed. "What I had with Kyo can not be repeated."

Well hey  
So much I need to say  
Been lonely since the day  
The day you went away

Was Akito laughing right now? Was he giddy with joy for ruining her, for ruining him? Tohru slammed her fist onto her desk as the tears dripped down her cheeks and onto the oak finish. Tohru smeared them on the desktop and shut her eyes.

She wanted the Tohru who smiled back. The one that even in sadness could make everyone around her happy. She had tried to get her old self back but it hurt. It was like being scorched from the inside out.

So sad but true  
For me there's only you  
Been crying since the day  
The day you went away

Tohru's eyes ceased their tears long enough for her to stumble back to the window. She kneeled in front of it and stared at the clouded sky. Like her it had lost it's sheen.

Suddenly rain feel from the heavens. The earth was morning with her. And with the rain came more tears. Tears that turned into blunt sobs as she tried to breathe. She wanted to scream, wanted to unleash her pent up frustration. But she couldn't find her voice. She just settled for the sobs her body unleashed.

Her shoulders shook with angst. Her eyes stung with pain. Her heartbeat pounded uncomfortably in her chest.

Why do we never know what we've got 'til it's gone  
How could I carry on  
The day you went away

If she could redo it she would. She would tell him how she felt earlier. And if that didn't work she would have perused him. She would have stopped the wedding no matter what the cost. If it meant Akito's wrath so be it!

She had done exactly what she swore to never do. She took for granted what she had. She always thought he would be there. Always thought she would wake up and see him so she was in no rush to confess to him. How wrong was she. Had he thought the same thing?

Cause I've been missing you so much I have to say  
Been crying since the day  
The day you went away

Tohru grabbed her pillow from her bed and let her sobs escalate into it. She briefly heard footsteps entering her room and two arms wrapped around her. She wanted to pretend they were Kyo's but instead she knew they were probably Yuki's. A popping noise indicated that he had transformed.

Tohru wiped her eyes and turned around to face the mouse. He looked up at her with his beady eyes, they held a sadness Tohru had never seen before.

"Tohru-san, what's wrong?" Yuki inquired. He climbed onto her pillow and continued to look at her through his small eyes.

"I miss him." She confessed. Yuki placed his paw on her hand in a comforting manner.

"And I miss the old Tohru. The one who was almost always happy. The one who could bring a smile to even my face." A mousy grin formed on Yuki's lips but Tohru looked away.

The day you went away

"Do you know how it feels?" Tohru inquired. "To not see the one you love anymore. To have them out of your reach?" Tohru chocked back another sob. Yuki jumped off her lap just in time as he transformed back. He quickly redressed himself and kneeled down in front of her.

"I don't know what happened a year ago but it changed you. I know he left but Tohru, you have to move on." Yuki didn't know what else to say.

"You ask me what happened?" Tohru snorted and looked down at her tear stained pillow. "I died."


	2. Tearing At My Heart

**Tearing At My Heart**

Kyo stared up at the ceiling of his bedroom counting the tiles. He had done this countless times and like always it didn't helped him sleep. He could feel Kagura's presents beside him and it made him shudder.

This year had been torture for him. By Akito's orders he had married Kagura and they had moved a 'safe distance' away from Tohru, or so Akito called it. Akito could have put him on the other side of the planet and it wouldn't stop him from thinking of her. It was impossible.

Eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close  
The fan blades on the ceiling spin but the air is never cold

The blanket that Kyo had wrapped around him felt hot and constricting. He kicked it off the bed with a growl. He just couldn't get to sleep. He hadn't had a good nights sleep since the day Akito informed him of the news. It was nearly impossible with his mind constantly buzzing.

The light from the moon was suddenly too bright for him and he placed a hand over his eyes to shield it out. Still sleep didn't come.

He briefly glanced at the clock. It was only one in the morning; he still had plenty of time to sleep before he had to wake up for work. His flannel Pajamas were hot and making him feel sticky. He quickly swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up. To his great luck Kagura didn't stir.

'Some fresh air is all I need.' he told himself. 'A nice walk, then straight back to bed.' Kyo made sure Kagura was still sleeping before slipping out of the room, and out of the house.

And even though you are next to me I still feel so alone  
I just can't give you anything for you to call your own

The fresh air felt great on his scorched skin. It was September so the air was a bit nippy, but he didn't put on a jacket. Kyo felt the call of the wind and began to run with it. A good workout was just what he needed to tire him out.

After running for a while Kyo stopped and looked at where he had ended up. His old home, he should have guessed his legs would take him here. He had taken many late night trips and he always would land at this place of fond memories.

Kyo climbed up to the roof and sat himself above Tohru's window. He could hear her sobbing from within and his heart began to break. She was close but not close enough. He longed to jump in her window and comfort her but what would that accomplish? Akito would surely find out and then he would be in a huge mess.

Many times in this year he had followed her in the shadows. He saw the changes that had occurred and cursed himself for every one. She never smiled, never laughed, she didn't even seem to want to live. He could relate.

As Tohru's sobs escalated Kyo jumped from the roof and made him way 'home'. He couldn't bear to hear her hurting so much. He had broken her and he was powerless to fix her.

And I can feel you breathing  
And it's keeping me awake  
Can you feel it beating?   
My heart's sinking like a weight

Kyo walked into his gloomy home with a sigh. A quick examination of the stove's clock told him he had been out for a good hour. It hadn't felt like it. He carefully walked up the stairs, attempting not to make much noise. If Kagura woke up now she would surely ask where he had been, and he wasn't in the mood for twenty-one questions.

The door of his shared bedroom creaked open and he took a few steps in. The room was still dark and Kagura had barely moved, he was safe. Kyo maneuvered his way back into bed and actually smiled at his stealth. She hadn't stirred an inch.

He closed his eyes in hopes of sleep, but still nothing. Insomnia lapped at him, laughed at him, and he was powerless to stop it. Sleeping pills didn't even work; the only cure was to be with Tohru again. Something that he was sure would never happen.

Kagura took in a sharp breath then let out a sigh. The sudden noise startled Kyo and he glanced over at her. She was still sleeping, and having a good dream from the looks of it. She was completely oblivious, or so it seemed. He wasn't happy, why didn't she sense it? Perhaps she sensed it but was too happy to believe it.

Even though it was technically Kagura he was 'cheating' on he still felt like it was Tohru. For god sakes, he had completely turned his back on her. He said he loved her yet he goes off and marries another? If that wasn't cheating he didn't know what was. But it was just an obligation marriage, nothing more. Kagura would never have his heart; it would forever belonged to another.

Something I've been keeping locked away behind my lips  
I can feel it breaking free with each and every kiss

A slight shift and more erratic breathing told Kyo that Kagura had finally awoken. He was tempted to fake sleep but that never worked. She always seemed to know he was awake.

"Are you okay?" Kagura asked, her voice sweet yet groggy.

"Yeah, just woke up a few seconds ago." He lied. Kagura shifted so she was leaning on her elbow and looking at him.

"Bad dream?"

'More like bad reality.' Kyo thought, but didn't dare say. "You could say that." Kagura leaned over him and gave him a quick peck. Kyo tried to hold back the cringe that threatened to appear.

"Well you should get some rest, dear. You have work in the morning." Kyo nodded and swallowed the lump in his throat. "Love you." Kagura whispered before closing her eyes. Kyo didn't answer.

He never answered, didn't she notice? He wanted to confess to her. He wanted to tell her he couldn't do this anymore, that he needed Tohru, but it would only hurt her. He wasn't one to think of other people's feelings, especially Kagura's, but Tohru had taught him that he should.

Why couldn't Tohru have stopped the wedding? Run in and shout out that she objected? Because if she had Akito would have killed her right then and there. Kyo had wanted to shout out that he objected, on the grounds that he loved another, but once again Akito. Akito ruled everything the Sohma's did. He played with them like dolls, manipulated their lives, and killed them slowly with mental torture. He was the devil and they were his puppets.

I couldn't bear to hurt you but it's all so different now  
Things that I was sure of, they have filled me up with doubt

Kagura's breathing finally regulated and Kyo knew she was asleep. He felt less tense when she was sleeping, he didn't have to hide things from her when she slept. He didn't have to hide his lack of interest in her, hide his remorse, or hide his love for another.

Even though he was stuck in a dead end marriage at least Tohru was safe. This was good for her wasn't it? As long as he stayed away she would live.

What were Akito's motives? He was obsessed with Yuki not Kyo. Perhaps he just wanted to break Tohru so that Yuki would never get her. It was obvious that Akito envied Tohru's happy exterior, and how everyone loved her. He was so jealous that all he could do was destroy her.

Kyo had known Akito's threat at Tohru's life wasn't empty. Akito was dangerous; he'd proved more then once. So Kyo married to save her. Ruined his life to save her. Died inside to save her. But perhaps that wasn't the right thing to do.

He had seen her crying, heard her weeping. She was as good as dead, an empty shell now. Once he had heard the threat he should have run away with her. Somewhere even Akito couldn't reach them, like America. But he hadn't been thinking rashly. He had been thinking quickly, in a panic.

Kyo had figured that in time they would both cope. She would learn love again, and he would perhaps learn to live with Kagura. No such luck. If a year couldn't heal the loss, then no amount of time could.

I can feel you breathing  
It's keeping me awake  
Could you stop my heart? It's always beating.  
Sinking like a weight

Another sigh from Kagura broke Kyo from his thoughts. The smile on her face was a genuine one; he had seen it many times. He had seen it on the day he proposed, and on their wedding day. That look of utter contentment to be with him.

Over the past year she had also calmed down considerably. Her fits of violence were few and only happened when she was really excited or angry. She was a decent wife, never complained about anything, but yet he couldn't bear to be here anymore.

Even when he was young he believed he would only marry for love. Most people believe that. Most people are free to do that. But Kyo was never like most people and he had suffered his whole life because of it.

The regret in his heart began to burn, a steady pang of pain that came and went with the passing months. Kyo gripped his chest and let out a pained groan. The wounds were too deep to heal.

How am I supposed to feel about the things I've done?  
I don't know if I should stay or turn around and run

'How could I have thought this was a smart decision?' he questioned himself. It was causing more damage then good in the end. He was hurting himself, Tohru, and even Kagura initially. Was this Akito's plan? Make as many people unhappy as you possibly can in one sitting?

But the worst part was that Kyo was powerless to stop it. The pain in his chest subsided and he ceased his iron grip. Realization hit him and threatened to start the pain again.

He was no better then Akito, was he? He had helped cause this pain. He was the main reason it was happening. All this time he had wanted to blame someone else but in reality he had no one to blame but himself. So what if she was threatened? There were ways to protect her. Instead, he just took the easy way out. The way that he thought would solve the problem the fastest and easiest. 'Good job Kyo, you're a monster, body and soul. And there is no way to run from yourself.'

Kyo quickly got out of bed and ran to the bathroom as the bile threatened to come. He opened the light and ran to the sink. 'A monster, body and soul.'

I know that I hurt you, things will never be the same  
The only love I ever knew, I threw it all away

Kyo looked up at his reflection in disgust. No more was that handsome young boy, all that was left was a grotesque young man. He had black circles under his eyes and his eyes were bloodshot. His hair was matted and hadn't been combed through in weeks. 'Despicable. A monster.'

He had always thought his true form was the monster, but now he knew it was just regular Kyo that was. Plain, old, regular Kyo, the one that would turn his back on love. Tohru was practically dead because of him, Kagura was living in false hope, and of course the rest of the Sohma's hated him for his choice.

'Forgive me Tohru, please forgive me.' Kyo felt the prick of tears but he forced them back. Real men didn't cry, but he wasn't a real man anyway. A real man wouldn't inflict emotional pain on the one woman who had changed his life.

He didn't even deserve Tohru's forgiveness. She was too kind of a person to be hurt like this. He didn't even deserve her love in the first place.

That sickening feeling came back and Kyo closed his eyes. Even if he did throw up it wouldn't help. Nothing ever would. He had ruined his life, and that was it. Like he had said to Tohru that last day, he would never love again.

I can feel you breathing  
It's keeping me awake  
Could you stop my heart? It's always beating.  
Sinking like a weight

Kyo could hear shuffling from the bedroom and quickly wiped his now slightly damp eyes. Like he had suspected Kagura walked into the bathroom. He glanced over at her and she shot him a look of concern.

"Are you okay?" Kagura asked gently. She walked over to him and placed a hand on his back. He wanted to pull away from her but he was too weak.

"Just a headache, that's all." It was more like heartache. Kagura opened the cabinet behind the mirror and took out a bottle of Advil for him.

"Take two of those." Kyo forced a smile.

"Will do. Thanks." Could she hear the lack of real appreciation in his voice?

"Do you want me to stay up until it goes away?" Kagura offered. Kyo stopped himself from snorting and simply shook his head.

"I'll be fine." He took out two pills and used some of the bathroom tap water to swallow them. "I feel better already." Like two Advil could cure the longing to be with Tohru. If only I truly was that simple.

"Okay, well come back to bed when you are ready." With that Kagura walked out of the bathroom. Kyo heard her get back into bed and let himself relax slightly.

He closed his eyes to try and get his thoughts in order but all he could hear were Tohru's sobs. The ones induced by his absence in her life. Kyo punched the counter top with all his might in an attempt to free the frustration. He ignored the immediate pain that surfaced. Tears streaked down his face though they weren't from the pain.

"I may as well be dead." Kyo chocked out before heading for the bathroom door. He took one more glance at his reflection in the mirror before closing the light. 'What am I saying? I already am dead.'

I'm thinking one more chapter with one more song. The conclusion of this angst. A happy ending! Tell me what you think!


End file.
